Ellen’s Advice to Get Through a Stressful Thanksgiving Holiday

By | March 5, 2020


Thank you so much,
everybody, for being here. And thank you at
home for watching. And thank you for being here
and then going home and watching to look for yourselves– [LAUGHTER] –on TV, feeling very
thankful because it’s Thanksgiving tomorrow. [CHEERING] Which means there’s only
one more day until you find yourself saying, no,
Grandma, not all gay people can sing. [LAUGHTER] This is obviously
the time of year when everyone thinks about
what they’re thankful for. So I thought on
the count of three, we would all say what
we’re thankful for. OK? 1, 2, 3, Cheetos! [CHEERING] [LAUGHTER] I mean, family! [LAUGHTER] But I do like Cheetos. [LAUGHTER] I try to be thankful
every day, because I have a lot to be thankful for. I’m thankful for my wife. I’m thankful for my
friends, my family, everyone who works here, and
sometimes, Andy and Mary. [LAUGHTER] Mary is thankful, probably,
that I haven’t talked about her rash for a long time. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, because it’s cleared up. So I’m sure that
she’s grateful that it was an average-size rash. [LAUGHTER] And, well, Andy is grateful
that we haven’t mentioned what he has that’s average-sized. [LAUGHTER] You guys, no! [LAUGHTER] Filthy! I meant, no, his brain! [LAUGHTER] His brain! No, he has a very big brain,
and he has a very huge heart, and he has average
calves and tiny penis. [LAUGHTER] Thanksgiving is a good time
to reflect on our gratitude, because it can be stressful. And you know when you get up
in the middle of the night, and you have to go
to the bathroom? That’s what
Thanksgiving is like. [LAUGHTER] Hear me out. So you’re not totally sure
what’s in front of you, and you have to tiptoe
around, and you’re a little groggy
from all the wine, and if you make one wrong
move, you’re going to get hurt. It’s like Thanksgiving. [LAUGHTER] You know? So with that in mind, I have
some Thanksgiving advice before I leave and
walk over there. [LAUGHTER] OK, it applies to any
stressful situation. It’s something I came up
with after my husband became president. [LAUGHTER] I’m thinking of Michelle Obama. [LAUGHTER] But it goes like this. When they go low, you
pack up your things and get the hell out of there
and try to find a new family. [LAUGHTER] Good luck.

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